carnagevisors: (marla)
[personal profile] carnagevisors
My entire soul is pretty tired right now. Physically the depression is hitting me hard again--I've been sleeping a lot and cry at the drop of a hat--and I can tell it's getting worse. They tell you that depression can develop during a spouse's deployment. They don't tell you what to do when you already have depression and the mere knowledge of an upcoming deployment exacerbates it.

Mostly I just feel numb a lot, and occasionally like I'm about to be abandoned. It's about ten times worse than when he left for basic training. I don't want to be close to anyone, especially not him, because he's just going to leave anyway and then what good will that have done me? I'm not even worried about handling things like finances or car maintenance because I've done all that shit myself before anyway, and household repairs aren't a big deal because I can either call housing or fix it myself. It's just that emotionally, I am in infinitesimal pieces now.

I'm perfectly aware that this isn't normal pre-deployment behavior; I have every intention of mentioning it to my doctor during my appointment next week in which I'll have to explain that not only am I fat and sexless, my depression is worsening so yeah doc, you're probably going to have to up my meds. I can always call Tricare for a referral to a therapist if need be, but it's humiliating enough that I've just gone ten steps backwards from my goal of never being medicated again.

Yep, this is gonna be a great fucking year!

ETA: Having kept that in for a while, after re-reading this entry I think that just expressing it in written form made me feel a bit better.
Anonymous( )Anonymous This account has disabled anonymous posting.
OpenID( )OpenID You can comment on this post while signed in with an account from many other sites, once you have confirmed your email address. Sign in using OpenID.
Account name:
If you don't have an account you can create one now.
HTML doesn't work in the subject.


Notice: This account is set to log the IP addresses of everyone who comments.
Links will be displayed as unclickable URLs to help prevent spam.


carnagevisors: (Default)
A Sludgework Pomegranate

January 2011

2 3456 78
1617 1819202122

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 19th, 2017 08:27 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios