Jan. 7th, 2011

carnagevisors: (marla)
My entire soul is pretty tired right now. Physically the depression is hitting me hard again--I've been sleeping a lot and cry at the drop of a hat--and I can tell it's getting worse. They tell you that depression can develop during a spouse's deployment. They don't tell you what to do when you already have depression and the mere knowledge of an upcoming deployment exacerbates it.

Mostly I just feel numb a lot, and occasionally like I'm about to be abandoned. It's about ten times worse than when he left for basic training. I don't want to be close to anyone, especially not him, because he's just going to leave anyway and then what good will that have done me? I'm not even worried about handling things like finances or car maintenance because I've done all that shit myself before anyway, and household repairs aren't a big deal because I can either call housing or fix it myself. It's just that emotionally, I am in infinitesimal pieces now.

I'm perfectly aware that this isn't normal pre-deployment behavior; I have every intention of mentioning it to my doctor during my appointment next week in which I'll have to explain that not only am I fat and sexless, my depression is worsening so yeah doc, you're probably going to have to up my meds. I can always call Tricare for a referral to a therapist if need be, but it's humiliating enough that I've just gone ten steps backwards from my goal of never being medicated again.


Yep, this is gonna be a great fucking year!

ETA: Having kept that in for a while, after re-reading this entry I think that just expressing it in written form made me feel a bit better.

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A Sludgework Pomegranate

January 2011

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