carnagevisors: (marla)
Just watched Heavy on A&E... and yeah, I can totally lose 50 lbs.
carnagevisors: (marla)
My entire soul is pretty tired right now. Physically the depression is hitting me hard again--I've been sleeping a lot and cry at the drop of a hat--and I can tell it's getting worse. They tell you that depression can develop during a spouse's deployment. They don't tell you what to do when you already have depression and the mere knowledge of an upcoming deployment exacerbates it.

Mostly I just feel numb a lot, and occasionally like I'm about to be abandoned. It's about ten times worse than when he left for basic training. I don't want to be close to anyone, especially not him, because he's just going to leave anyway and then what good will that have done me? I'm not even worried about handling things like finances or car maintenance because I've done all that shit myself before anyway, and household repairs aren't a big deal because I can either call housing or fix it myself. It's just that emotionally, I am in infinitesimal pieces now.

I'm perfectly aware that this isn't normal pre-deployment behavior; I have every intention of mentioning it to my doctor during my appointment next week in which I'll have to explain that not only am I fat and sexless, my depression is worsening so yeah doc, you're probably going to have to up my meds. I can always call Tricare for a referral to a therapist if need be, but it's humiliating enough that I've just gone ten steps backwards from my goal of never being medicated again.

Yep, this is gonna be a great fucking year!

ETA: Having kept that in for a while, after re-reading this entry I think that just expressing it in written form made me feel a bit better.
carnagevisors: (controlled apathy)
As I was reading the comments on this week's PostSecret feed, a thread started about antidepressants. Though a known troll, one user posted this:

"Every single person fighting me on this thread is an antidepressant addict, and as such, likely fat and sexless. :D"

It touched a nerve and made me feel worse about myself than I'm already feeling right now.

After almost three years of being on antidepressants, I can honestly say that taking this shit is probably braver than committing suicide--being lethargic, gaining weight, and having no sex drive aren't an issue when you're dead.
carnagevisors: (music)
What is the first song you ever remember hearing? Where did you hear it - on the radio, on a recording, from someone singing it, or somewhere else? How old were you at the time?

If I think back hard enough, it was more than likely Moments in Love by Art of Noise, if not slightly remixed, as the version I recall features no lyrics whatsoever. (Holy shit, that was a weird music video...) The memory is very fuzzy, since I was probably at most 5 or 6 years old the first time I heard this song, but it was more than likely in the car on the radio as I was riding with my mother.

Recently I'd heard the song in a movie or something, and it drove me nuts because I'd clearly heard this song before, but did not know the fucking song title or the artist. After some Google-fu and a Youtube search, I finally hit the bullseye (and no longer continue to be haunted by this song).


carnagevisors: (Default)
A Sludgework Pomegranate

January 2011

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